Puffins

Humans arrived in Iceland around 900 A.D.

Presumably, puffins had a good thing going until then.

Because humans think puffins are cute.

But humans also think puffins are cute stuffed and mounted.

I was horrified to see stuffed puffins (and other avians) for sale in the gift shops over there.

Here are some puffin facts from the back of this postcard: "Puffins are migratory birds that arrive in Iceland in April. Their breeding and fledgeling season span from May until September, after which the puffins leave for the open Atlantic ocean. Their nest rests at the end of approximately metre-long burrowed tunnels. These tunnels riddle the ground where the puffins colonize on cliff faces, grassy islands and mountain ledges near the sea."

Now I want to have a character die on a cliff in Iceland by stepping on some ground near the cliff's edge which has been undermined by a puffin tunnel.

It would just be such a cool, outre death.

Done-in by puffins.

Puffins and I have a lot in common. They like to hang out around the Tjornin. I like to hang out around the Tjornin.

Here is what I imagine these puffins saying in this uber-adorable postcard (photograph by Daniel Bergmann)...

Puffin Da (above): "I'm here for my son. You know you're supposed to have him ready...where is he?"

Puffin Ma: "Alternate Tuesdays are normally your custodial days. But this is a holiday. Check your custodial agreement. When you're not so drunk that you can't read..."

Puffin Da: "You got the entire fucking tunnel (which I dug out with the toil of my beak, I'd like to point out) by conning that judge, yet you still always find a reason to complain and make my life a living hell, even when you're no longer in it.

Puffin Ma: "Seek sympathy from that ho of a fledgeling I've seen you chasing around the Tjornin. Better be careful or you might have more child support than there are fish in the sea. They say the Newfoundland banks were fished out, ya know?"

Puffin Da: "Do you know what the Vikings would have done to a wife with a tongue like yours?

Puffin Ma: "I don't believe the Vikings ever muttered "This ocean is so FUCKING COLD!" over and over. Like a little girl. I don't miss overwintering with you out on that icy sea one fucking bit. At least I can get some sleep now. And let me tell you, that's worth more than any man."